My beautiful bride and I were traveling from the East Coast (of The United States) and experienced the following:
At Reagan International Airport, I bought a book, an easy fiction read. Normally, I read a book, listen to music, and sleep. Gina already had a book. We were set and ready to fly for five and a half hours. This time, destiny intervened. Or maybe it was destiny's child? I don't know. Maybe it was destiny's awful neighbor, who likes to water their lawn in a robe seven years too tight and way too short. Maybe it was destiny's grandmother? Yeah, that's it, destiny's grandmother. Let's call her DeGas.
Yes, enter DeGas.
Gina and I preboarded the plane. The best part about preboarding a plane is people watching. In our immediate circle was a Mom, with two kids. Her kids ranged from 2 years to 4 years. Another passenger was a complete type A lady, about late forties, with all of the Mom confidence in the world. Also, she was from the North-a Yank, quite possibly from Jersey. Therefore, she did most of her talking with her hands. Lastly, were five women, about 200 years old, Yoda's sisters: the Yodettes. DeGas may have been younger than these ladies. Good for them, though, because they would not hear any baby cries, or a 9/11 part deux, or me making moans as I read a natural childbirth book.
The plane ride was fairly normal...until we reached the Midwest. Maybe it was the lore of the baby making Midwest which led Gina to give me the natural child birthing book. I don't know. DeGas, with your meddling paintbrush!
I remember looking at pictures of very very happy women (not being sarcastic at all) as they had their babies. I saw everything. The women were smiling from ear to ear, as the babies were about halfway out. I did not, at all, understand. Every movie or story I've ever heard was fierce, as in angry women, upset at their man friends for "doing this to me!!". These ladies looked like Berkeley hippies at a say yes to dope festival...or like they were being tickled. It was crazy.
As I looked at these contradictory pictures, my face was that of the crying half-out baby, not that of the supremely happy natural Mom. What in the Warhol was I looking at?
The type A lady chimed in, "is it your first?" First what? The first time I've ever seen a woman look as if she's watching Last Comic Standing while giving birth? Yep, first time. Gina tells her, "Yes, it’s our first". Jersey Mom proceeds with the following story (inherent regional accent and hand talking):
Her-"My father wanted to be a part of my childbirth, forget about it, oh my gawwwshhh. He went to every Dr.'s appointment. He was even there during the childbirth. He was so excited about it that he wanted to actually watch the baby coming out. He went around and watched the baby come out of my VAGINA (hands going crazy)."
Me-internal voice: "Adam, why is your mouth full of saliva as if you are about to vomit? Because, Adam, this is not normal. In fact, its the opposite of normal, abnormal, ummmkay?"
Her-"So, there he was watching the baby come out of my VAGINA (she couldn't have said the v word more loud, across the aisle from us. Luckily, the Yodettes were in front and didn't hear a thing). So, a couple of days later he couldn't look at me in the face. Finally, I confronted him and asked, 'what's your problem?' He said, 'I saw your VAGINA'. Oh Gawwwsh, I said, big deal(again, her hands a blazin')."
At this point my head was spinning, mouth open, and I wondered if the next five months would be the same. Probably, it’s all good. I turn around to see the other Mom, the one with two kids, changing her little two year old in front of everyone. Yep, there was his little brown star, packed with poop, being changed. His sister was draped over him, asleep. Awesome.
The type A lady turned out to be really cool. She gave us great advice. We finally made it home, full of advice and bad plane food. The former is something I'll never forget. Thank you, DeGas, I appreciate and understand the situation in which you placed us.
