Relax, I'm referring to myself. I ate so much food today. It is 7:45 pm and I am bloated. In the world of competitive eating one experiences highs and lows. The highs of winning, following months of training. And the lows of losing. The lowest of the low being the heartache, acid reflux, irritable bowel, edema like stomach distension, and addition of pressure on internal organs which can't be soothed with a win. The following story is a not a tale of winning.
Breakfast and lunch were normal. I ate both meals at work. Following work, I went to the gym, then came home and ate again. Big mistake. I ate Thanksgiving leftovers which filled me up. As I ate the last green bean, Gina looked at me and said,
-"I want pizza. I've been thinking about it a lot today."
-"Oh, ok, pizza." Now, I didn't feel comfortable saying, "Oh, let's not. I just finished a big meal. I'll make you something from the kitchen." She had wanted it all day, so it was morally imperative to order the pizza. So, instead I said, "Oh, ok, pizza. I'll help you eat it." Homer Simpson, move over, you're bloated cousin's about to move in. His name is Adam and he's put on a li'l bit of sympathy weight.
We ordered the pizza. Her half was pineapple and ham and my half was jalapenos and peperoni. I was doing everything I could to really put winning ingredients in to my body. The order was smooth, but for effect, should've gone like this.
-"Yes, I'd like to place an order for a pizza. The two halves need to be divided as such: she'll have pineapple and ham and I'll have jalapenos and peperoni."
-"Oh, Sir, good choice. You want the salt overload and diarrhea special? We call that the Type II. Don't forget to put hot sauce on it, dumb ass."
-"Yes, please, mmmmmmm. Can't wait!"
Gina has hungry eyes. They are more hungry than her stomach. She feels really hungry, and wants to be hungry. The problem is when she eats she fills up quickly, due to there not being much room down there. So I'm stuck with the rest of her food, which follows my whole dinner. (Now, I am completely aware that I can ask for a to go box, or just order less of my own dinner. I have free will. No one is forcing me to eat all of this awesome goodness) The pizza came and it looked so good. We dove in, and she was only able to eat three little pieces. I ate the rest. Good job, Adam! As the pregnancy progresses, you may see me on the reality show, "Intervention".
-"Adam, we all love you and we're hear for a reason. You are addicted to food. Come on, let's go to Promises and get you fixed up."
-"No, I'm good, I promise! I'm not going to Oxnard for rehab! Its just sympathy weight."
-"Promises is in Malibu, not Oxnard. Denial, buddy. You're very blind to it right now. "
-"Ok, let's go.
After pizza, we went to the movies and had popcorn and a soda. I ordered the glutton soda-a diet coke. Gina and I ate the popcorn and finished the soda before the PREVIEWS EVEN STARTED.
As stated in previous blogs, Gina has become emotional, slightly more so than before. Not too much, but her tears come a little quicker. This movie was a romance. She dabbed her eyes with tissue a couple of times. Afterward, I offered her a hug and asked,
-"Are you ok?"
-"Yes, I'm fine. What do you think, Mexican, Ethiopian, Thai, or pho?" As I was stuffed from all of the food we'd eaten before, I told myself she was referring to what nationality of baby we may adopt, in the future. She must have been? No, she finished the question with pho, and not Vietnamese. She meant food.
-"Are you serious? I'm stuffed!" I saw the wind leave the sails of her eyes as I said it. The sails found wind again as we parked at the Vietnamese restaurant and ordered pho. I am a water buffalo.
Friday, November 26, 2010
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Momnesia
Gina has developed Momnesia. It makes for great material!
You don't need the context to appreciate the following. This evening at dinner, as we were sitting down I said,
-"I've been thinking about Tahoe all day."
My beautifully tired and with child wife replied,
-"I know, I've been thinking about taco all day, too."
As soon as she finished saying "taco" I saw her look of recognition and awareness, which conveyed,
-"You said Tahoe, not taco. And if one wants tacos they would say, 'I've been thinking about tacos all day, as opposed to 'I've been thinking about taco all day'". She took it in stride and we both laughed over a delicious burrito, and two tacos. It was a great dinner.
On our way home we went to the drug store. As we parked I asked her,
-"Do you need anything in there?"
-"Chocolate"
-"Ok, what kind of chocolate? Like a frozen dessert type, or a candy?"
-"The stuff from a package where you pour it into water and it is hot."
-"Holy cow, what? You mean like instant hot chocolate?"
-"That's it! Hot chocolate."
Momnesia
You don't need the context to appreciate the following. This evening at dinner, as we were sitting down I said,
-"I've been thinking about Tahoe all day."
My beautifully tired and with child wife replied,
-"I know, I've been thinking about taco all day, too."
As soon as she finished saying "taco" I saw her look of recognition and awareness, which conveyed,
-"You said Tahoe, not taco. And if one wants tacos they would say, 'I've been thinking about tacos all day, as opposed to 'I've been thinking about taco all day'". She took it in stride and we both laughed over a delicious burrito, and two tacos. It was a great dinner.
On our way home we went to the drug store. As we parked I asked her,
-"Do you need anything in there?"
-"Chocolate"
-"Ok, what kind of chocolate? Like a frozen dessert type, or a candy?"
-"The stuff from a package where you pour it into water and it is hot."
-"Holy cow, what? You mean like instant hot chocolate?"
-"That's it! Hot chocolate."
Momnesia
Friday, November 12, 2010
She's Totally Pregnant
We went from "I'm pregnant" to Gina waddling around the house. It’s funny, I can't laugh out loud, but it’s funny. Here are a few things you may encounter while living with a pregnant, yet hot and beautiful, lady:
1. She will steal your second pillow, to give herself three. It’s for her legs, while she lies on her side. Even if your pillow is in between your legs because you have lower back arthritis, she will take it. It’s not really stealing when she says, "baby, I'm taking your pillow". Me, "ok".
2. Holme girl really can't get off the couch anymore, if she's lying down. A Queen may have a game, with her peasants, called, "feed me boy". It’s the Queen's game because the peasants will not want to play it. Gina has such a game called, "Dead Weight", in which she goes limp. I get to pull her up on to her feet. I lose every time.
3. Don't argue. Pick and choose your battles. When I say pick and choose your battles, don't pick any battles. Fall on your sword, it goes through smooth.
4. If she cries, just hug her. Don't try to fix it. Gina hasn't cried too much, but she will go from happy times to tear times. Just hug it out.
5. Read the pregnancy books. You may not read them all, but look at them. When I say look at them I don't mean pick your keys up from them. Give them good attention. Definitely buy Daddy books. They aren't quite as daunting and usually funny.
7. Don't laugh at heartburn. Sometimes Gina has the heartburn and her mouth sounds like a lava pool with little gas bubble bursts. Don't laugh at her or with her, just keep it to yourself, and get her some antacid or milk.
8. Just because her boobs became larger it doesn't mean she had breast implants, or wants them overly handled...at all. The fun bag fairy did not grant your wish. Do not go at them doing the Zombie walk with overly active fingers. Ask if she would like help applying the body butter to mitigate stretch marks. It is an activity you both can enjoy. I've made this mistake three times, already. Awesome. Woe betide the poor soul who does not heed this warning.
Until next time, friends
1. She will steal your second pillow, to give herself three. It’s for her legs, while she lies on her side. Even if your pillow is in between your legs because you have lower back arthritis, she will take it. It’s not really stealing when she says, "baby, I'm taking your pillow". Me, "ok".
2. Holme girl really can't get off the couch anymore, if she's lying down. A Queen may have a game, with her peasants, called, "feed me boy". It’s the Queen's game because the peasants will not want to play it. Gina has such a game called, "Dead Weight", in which she goes limp. I get to pull her up on to her feet. I lose every time.
3. Don't argue. Pick and choose your battles. When I say pick and choose your battles, don't pick any battles. Fall on your sword, it goes through smooth.
4. If she cries, just hug her. Don't try to fix it. Gina hasn't cried too much, but she will go from happy times to tear times. Just hug it out.
5. Read the pregnancy books. You may not read them all, but look at them. When I say look at them I don't mean pick your keys up from them. Give them good attention. Definitely buy Daddy books. They aren't quite as daunting and usually funny.
7. Don't laugh at heartburn. Sometimes Gina has the heartburn and her mouth sounds like a lava pool with little gas bubble bursts. Don't laugh at her or with her, just keep it to yourself, and get her some antacid or milk.
8. Just because her boobs became larger it doesn't mean she had breast implants, or wants them overly handled...at all. The fun bag fairy did not grant your wish. Do not go at them doing the Zombie walk with overly active fingers. Ask if she would like help applying the body butter to mitigate stretch marks. It is an activity you both can enjoy. I've made this mistake three times, already. Awesome. Woe betide the poor soul who does not heed this warning.
Until next time, friends
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Baby Mama's Go-To Tips!
*Stock up on Tylenol, Coco Butter to avoid stretch marks, Tums, Hemorrhoid Medicine (sorry...but it's true. Always talk to your doctor first before taking anything.
*Buy a juicer. It seems like every pregnant woman craves juice (perhaps it's the sugar)and it's better to juice your own then to buy store-bought juice that is filled with sugar and less nutrients.
*Always keep snacks with you. Fruit was a big one for me as well as nuts and crackers.
*Buy a heat pad....it's great for the back pain.
*Just buy pregnancy clothes already!! The longer you wait the more uncomfortable you become. The first three months of your pregnancy you just feel like you been sitting around drinking beer and gaining weight. Most people do not know that you are pregnant....you just look fat. Why not be comfortable while gaining the weight?
*Chill out! Stress will not help your pregnancy and will only effect your baby in a negative way. Try to enjoy your pregnancy. If you need to rest, just rest and don't take to much on.
*Don't read the bad stuff. Women have been having babies for centuries and most likely everything will be fine. The more negative stuff you read regarding "what could happen" the more stress you will bring to yourself.
*If you want the cookie, just eat it and don't feel bad about it.
*Trust your own judgment. Everyone will try and give you advice and take it with a grain of salt. Seriously, you know what's best for you.
*If you can afford it definitely schedule some pregnancy messages...they are a back saver not to mention a sanity saver.
*Enroll in pre-natal yoga. It will help you become centered and flexible and it's nice to be surrounded by other pregnant women.
*Hiking is a great way to get some cardio. It's at your own pace and you get your nature fix.
*Buy a juicer. It seems like every pregnant woman craves juice (perhaps it's the sugar)and it's better to juice your own then to buy store-bought juice that is filled with sugar and less nutrients.
*Always keep snacks with you. Fruit was a big one for me as well as nuts and crackers.
*Buy a heat pad....it's great for the back pain.
*Just buy pregnancy clothes already!! The longer you wait the more uncomfortable you become. The first three months of your pregnancy you just feel like you been sitting around drinking beer and gaining weight. Most people do not know that you are pregnant....you just look fat. Why not be comfortable while gaining the weight?
*Chill out! Stress will not help your pregnancy and will only effect your baby in a negative way. Try to enjoy your pregnancy. If you need to rest, just rest and don't take to much on.
*Don't read the bad stuff. Women have been having babies for centuries and most likely everything will be fine. The more negative stuff you read regarding "what could happen" the more stress you will bring to yourself.
*If you want the cookie, just eat it and don't feel bad about it.
*Trust your own judgment. Everyone will try and give you advice and take it with a grain of salt. Seriously, you know what's best for you.
*If you can afford it definitely schedule some pregnancy messages...they are a back saver not to mention a sanity saver.
*Enroll in pre-natal yoga. It will help you become centered and flexible and it's nice to be surrounded by other pregnant women.
*Hiking is a great way to get some cardio. It's at your own pace and you get your nature fix.
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